Summary:  It is interesting to note that there are times when our efforts to change our own behaviors produce more frustrations and difficulties than we imagined.  It’s as if the more we try at times, the harder things get.

I often find this is true for parents, who are easily frustrated or upset by their children’s behaviors.  The more parents tell themselves to calm down, the more upset they get.  The more parents beat themselves up for this, the more volatile things become at home.

There are a number of psychological approaches that now integrate concepts from more Eastern approaches, that includes the notion of “mindfulness.  ”Mindfulness is simply a way of focusing one’s attention on acceptance of the present moment, without resistance, or fighting the moment.  This is a powerful part of learning to have choice in how to respond to your children, and a key part of effective parenting.

In this article, I offer my ideas on ways to integrate a mindfulness approach to parenting.

INTEGRATING MINDFULNESS INTO PARENTING

You may be reading this, and thinking, “Oh no, it’s another idea about just accepting things and doing nothing, and it will all work out.”

Well, that’s not what this is about.

This is about choice.  Your choice...Your choice about how to respond to any situation that you encounter with your children.

When you “refuse to accept” any behavior that your son or daughter offer to you (or others), you almost always lock yourself into a very reactive mode of responding.  You then begin to try to exert control over your child’s behavior. When you do this, there are going to be some kids who will back down and allow you to tell them what to do.

However, many (if not most) children will get to the point where they make it clear that you cannot “control” their actions. Sometimes it takes only a two year old to make this point.

I recently had a parent discuss how they tried to tell their daughter, who was going to college 500 miles away, that she couldn’t go on an outing with her friends.  Her daughter, of course, struggled with this  .Eventually, she called back and told her mom she was going to go anyway.  Her mother became furious with her, offering feeble threats of punishment which she could not implement.

Instead, a mindful approach would argue that you accept what you child (ages 2 to 22) offers you WITHOUT RESISTING IN YOUR MIND.  This doesn’t mean you agree.  It just means that you don’t do battle with reality at that very moment.  This helps to dramatically change your level of upset and turmoil, AND gives you a sense that you can now choose how to respond.

Acceptance is not resignation to whatever your child is doing.  It is, however, relinquishing the notion that life, at this very moment of difficulty, cannot be changed.  What has happened has happened.

HOWEVER, what happens next is something that you may very well be able to influence, with effective parenting!

The key here is that accepting the moment gives you the emotional and psychological freedom to have choice.....and having choice about how to respond is usually a very good thing!!!

2.  Respond based on your values, not your emotions!

One relatively modern psychological approach, titled “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (ACT), puts an emphasis on acting in a way that is consistent with one’s values, rather than trying to avoid or exchange your internal emotions.

This is potentially an extremely valuable approach for parents.  It is a way of holding yourself accountable to what you know is the right thing to do, and refusing to respond to your internal distress.  Note: This is at odds with what most of us do. We react to our internal distress, even if it is telling us to do what is unhealthy.

For example, in my office today, I worked with a mother who acknowledged that she is a “clean freak.”  By being such, she often yells and screams at the kids when there is something as small as a crumb on the floor.  She can conceded that she is too easily upset, and “over reacts” to such circumstances.  She reports that she “cannot conceal” the anxiety that builds, when she sees a mess. She is responding to her internal experience.

While she does value cleanliness and neatness, she also values a calm and respectful home environment.  Unfortunately, she provides an environment where her behavior says that it is okay to yell and scream when others don’t do what you want (i.e., such as keep it clean).  This becomes problematic for children, as they learn from this model. When they don’t get what they want from you as a parent, they then begin to yell and scream.  They may begin to yell and scream at their teachers when they don’t get what they want.  Then they do the same with their peers.  All of this is a sign of future challenges.

What ACT would suggest is that a mindfulness approach focuses you on your experience at the moment.  There is no denial of the emotion, the frustration, the anxiety, and the impulse to react.  However, there is a focus on acceptance of this feeling by simultaneously recalling one’s commitment to calmer behavior.

Or perhaps it is an absolute commitment you have made to be a model for your children that offers demonstrates peacefulness, or happiness, or even love.  It could be that you have committed to always taking responsibility for your actions, and as such, you decide to never blame your kids for your inability to remain calm and loving.

ACT demands that you remain vigilant to the question of what is most important.  This approach requires clarity of commitment to a specific course of action.  It also is imperative that you accept that it is not necessary to respond to the internal experiences...the internal anxiety and frustration, but it is okay to simply accept the presence of those experiences, and respond calmly.

While change does not occur immediately, the brain is very capable of “rewiring” itself with a consistent commitment to value based choices.  This is in direct opposition to choices based on the moment-to-moment emotions we all experience.

3.  Worry is not preparation.

I am borrowing this phrase, which comes from an old Zen proverb.  Many of us tend to worry.  We worry about things excessively.  Worry contributes to anxiety and depression.

Many people say, “I can’t help it. I’m just a worrier.”

The bottom line is that worry does not help you solve problems effectively.  It does not prepare you for the future.  It does not make you calmer.

In fact, the research suggests that it is the opposite.  Worrying tends to immobilize you from problem solving.   It slows down decision making and leads to procrastination.  It can make you feel like you’re going CRAZY!!

Mindfulness parenting would ask that you bring more awareness to your worry, and that you choose to release the worrisome thought, or the focus of the worry.  Instead, you gently bring your attention into the moment, and be more aware and engaged in the moments of your life.

If you’re with your children, you’re more aware and engaged with your children.  If you’re driving, you’re enjoying more of the drive.  If you’re at work, you’re more present to the task.

Your focus turns to your life (now)...not to the “thoughts” of your life (yesterday or tomorrow).

This contrasts greatly with worry focused thinking, which tends to be focused upon anticipation of future difficulties.

Mindfulness meditation can be quite helpful!

Twenty years ago the notion of meditation sounded absurd and “strange.  There was limited data that argued that such an approach would be helpful.  Yet today, the research is becoming more and more convincing.

Mindfulness meditation is a very powerful psychological process which reduces anxiety, increases relaxation, adds clarity to thought and decision making, and can also be helpful with a number of chronic disorders.

Mindfulness meditation is a very simply process.  You can simply sit in a chair, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing  .That’s right...nothing too complex.... just stay with your breathing.  Let your thoughts come and go without ever really engaging them.  Notice the thoughts, and then let it go.

Sounds boring?  Of course it sounds boring.  And that’s the point (in a way):)

The goal is to bring the focus into the moment, and to release all thoughts about the moment.  You release judgment about your thoughts.  You release thoughts about your thoughts.  You release your thoughts you have about the thoughts that you had a few moments ago.  You keep doing this...over and over.

You continue to return to your breath, and notice that a calming feeling begins to evolve over time.

With practice, the calmness spreads, and your thoughts become clearer.  It becomes easier and easier to relinquish upsetting or worrisome thoughts.

As you practice this, for even ten minutes a day, you will likely gain an enhance sense of calm and feel more in control of your responses to whatever the world may be giving you.

There are a number of wonderful resources that explain mindfulness meditation in a more extended manner.  For my purposes here however, I simply want to introduce this concept as one very powerful tool to assist you in becoming more present to your thoughts, and more present to the lives of your family.

Feeling like you want more specific tools?  I agree...mindfulness may not give you the specific tools for handling those challenging behaviors.  That's why you will find dozens of solutions for specific problems on this website.  I encourage you to explore the range of powerful and unique solutions you will find here...all at a fraction of the cost of a single session of therapy!  Click here to read more about Parenting Solutions!